


Hallucinogenics

by tonishalifoe3



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Drug Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Protective Toni Shalifoe, Swearing, Violence, can you tell i like angst?, leah & toni brotp, masc toni shalifoe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 01:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30115218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonishalifoe3/pseuds/tonishalifoe3
Summary: “Hi, I’m Shelby Goodkind.” She said cheerfully. For some reason, it annoyed Toni as she rolled her eyes.“I know who you are. Your boyfriend and his friends are dicks. I’m Toni. Not that you don’t already know that since your crowd loves picking fights with me.” Toni said with a sneer. She didn’t know why Shelby bugged her so much. Maybe it was that Shelby still had a small smile or maybe it was because she wanted Shelby to stand up for her.“If anybody picks fights, it’s you. You oughta learn not to pick fights with boys twice your size.” She smirked. It angered Toni that not only was Shelby defending her boyfriend but she was also insulting her.“All I do is kick your little boyfriend’s ass. It’s not like I’m the one who gets their buddies to join in a fight with me. Looks like he needs the help.” Toni said with a smirk, knowing she made a good point.Toni could see Shelby clenching her jaw in anger. She wondered how long it would be until she could make her snap.
Relationships: Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke, Leah Rilke & Toni Shalifoe, Martha Blackburn & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Hallucinogenics

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this was originally suggested by @shonigoodfoe on Twitter. They asked thinking they'd get a one-shot but it's actually a multi-chapter fic. This fic is inspired by the song Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson. I don't know if I'm gonna stick with the title because I honestly know nothing about drugs. I had to do research. Follow me on Twitter, I have the same handle. I accept ideas and questions. I know it's been rough out there but just know that you are loved and valid. My dms are open for everyone. Please note the tags, trigger warning for abuse and drugs. I've only ever written on Wattpad so I had to learn a new format. Ao3 is new for me, so I apologize for the mistakes. I didn't even read this twice, oh god... I don't own The Wilds obviously. I'll stop talking now, I'm nervous. Enjoy?

Toni opened the door as quietly as she could, holding it steady so the hinges wouldn’t creak. She glanced down at the chunky black watch on her wrist as she shut the door behind her, seeing that the bright green numbers read 3:45 AM. She bent down to take off her black vans and held them in one hand so she wouldn’t make noise. Toni took careful steps on her way to her room, already knowing which parts of the wooden floor creaked, even in the dark. She let out a sigh of relief when she was finally able to make it to her room without waking up her foster mom. She collapsed onto her mattress after shutting her door as quietly as possible and placing her shoes down.

Toni’s white chipped room consisted of a bookshelf that was half-filled with books that she’d steal from different places as she grew up. She didn’t have the privilege of getting an allowance and she often had to distract herself with reading when the pressure from past foster homes became too much. She had a wooden desk that had books and schoolwork that wasn’t completed stacked on top of it. She had four drawers to fit her clothes in and even then she didn’t use all of them, choosing to use one of the drawers to house the knick-knacks that she collected from where she’s been moved around over time.

Toni had never had it easy in her life. Her mom had been hooked on drugs and alcohol since before she could even remember. She didn’t like thinking about her mom because she ruined both their lives. She’s been in the foster care system since she was eight. This was her 14th foster home since then. Most weren’t that bad but her anger issues often had her kicked out of many foster homes and there were worse foster homes. Unfortunately, her single foster mother Linda happened to fall under that category.

Toni usually has to enter her room through her window to not run into an angry Linda but she was exhausted and she could still feel the LSD clouding her brain. It was a surprise that she even made it to her room without knocking something over. She usually takes the drug to feel happiness momentarily and to ignore her shitty home life. It wasn’t always a good idea because it ended with anxiety and flashbacks of her worst days. Sadly, this was one of the times as she clenched her eyes shut, laying on her back.

Toni never really had somebody to comfort her when these nights happened, they have usually been spent alone in the back of a broken-down pickup truck where she listened to music and smoked as she stargazed. She didn’t want to burden any of her friends. Her best friend Martha Blackburn, who’s been there for her since she was 11, helped on nights where she showed up on her doorstep unable to breathe from a bruised rib or two. Her mother Bernice was like a second mother to her, offering comfort when she couldn’t hold it in. No matter how many times she tried, Bernie was unable to foster Toni because of the lack of space. Toni would reassure her, it was just nice to know that she had people that cared about her that much. Most people wouldn’t bother.

Anxiety was overwhelming, to say the least, but Toni could only count in her head to calm herself down. She knew that if she wanted to get to school on time the next day she would have to force herself to go to sleep as usual.

* * *

Toni woke up abruptly to pounding at her door. She quickly sat up. She had forgotten that she had locked the door last night. Linda doesn’t like it when she does that, but Toni has never been good at following the rules. 

“Yes, Linda?” Toni said with a fake smile as she opened her door, hoping that Linda hadn’t started drinking this early in the morning. 

“Where the hell were you last night?” She said angrily. Her black hair was up in a bun and she was still wearing sweats, leading Toni to believe that she wasn’t working today.

Toni gripped the door anxiously as she bit her bottom lip. She didn’t think Linda had heard her. What excuse could she give? 

“I don’t-” She was luckily cut off by the ringing of her phone on her bed. Toni rushed to her bed, picking up without checking the caller ID.

_“Before you say no, I’m already on my way to pick you up for school.”_ A soft voice said.

Toni chuckled, almost forgetting about Linda. She mentally thanked Leah for the escape. 

“Alright, I’ll start changing. See you soon.” Toni muttered, looking over at Linda. She hung up, moving past a fuming Linda to go brush her teeth. Toni could hear Linda’s heavy footsteps behind her as she made it to the bathroom.

“Do you think you can just get away with coming home late? What were you doing? Were you with a girl? Answer me!” She yelled. Toni could barely stop herself from flinching as Linda pushed her. She continued to brush her teeth, not making eye contact with the cold eyes she could feel glaring at her from the mirror.

“N-no, I wasn’t.” She mumbled through a mouthful of toothpaste. She brushed her teeth as quickly as possible, ignoring her. As soon as she was done, she rushed past Linda and into her room, locking the door behind her. Her heart was racing, hearing Linda’s angry yelling. 

“Jesus fuck.” She muttered, rubbing her eyes. Toni knew that when Linda was mad, it was better to stay out of her way or she’d become her punching bag. She found that out the hard way when she first came to live with Linda. Her social worker pretty much hated her because she never lasted long in foster homes.

Toni rushed to change, slipping on dark joggers over her boxers and a gray hoodie. She slipped on her signature black hightop Vans and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. Toni shoved her phone into her backpack and grabbed her basketball duffle bag. She slid open her window, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to get past Linda unscarred. She dropped to her feet outside, having gotten used to it already.

As Toni shut the window, her phone started vibrating. She knew it was probably Leah so she sneaked around the house, passing her front lawn. Leah was already parked across the street in her black Chevrolet Impala. 

“Hey Shalifoe.” Leah said with a smile as she rolled down her window. Toni internally sighed in relief when she saw that Leah looked genuinely happy. Although it was 7 AM and nobody should be this happy early in the day.

“Who wakes up this happy, Rilke?” Toni said with a smirk as she lightly smacked the hood of the car and opened the passenger seat to get in. She put her stuff in the back and buckled herself in as Leah began to drive. Leah wore a dark orange cardigan over a white t-shirt that was tucked into her jeans. Her jeans were cuffed and she was wearing black low-top chucks. 

“It’s definitely rare for me.” Leah said with that biting lip smirk that she always does. Toni chuckled but gave her a look that said she could talk to her if she needed to. They were used to making dark jokes around each other, especially about their unfortunate experiences. It would always end in Martha scolding them and them bursting out in laughter at Martha’s shocked look. Toni and Leah didn’t need words to know what the other was thinking, they already knew just by a look.

Leah’s parents had gotten her the car after she had gotten into an accident a year ago and they didn’t know what to do about her mental breakdowns besides therapy and gifts. It had been an emotional night at the hospital. Toni had gotten the call first because she had become closer to the tall brunette ever since Toni met her at group therapy four years ago. Toni had to stop going because she was placed at another foster home at the time but she soon started walking the tall girl home, getting to know her. Leah’s parents, Kurt and Maryann argue a couple of times, but they know Toni enough to let her sleepover whenever it’s too much at home and she doesn’t want to bother Martha and Bernice. 

“You called at a good time, so uh... Thanks. Linda was being a bitch.” Toni wasn’t good at saying thanks or apologizing. Sharing feelings aren’t exactly her forte. 

“She didn’t do anything, right?” Leah said with clear concern in her voice as took her eyes off the road for a second to give Toni a once over. Leah was always paranoid about Linda, and she wasn’t wrong. Sometimes she’d text Toni in the middle of the night to make sure she was safe. Toni had to lie most nights just so Leah wouldn’t come over to pick her up.

“Nothing I can’t handle. Don’t go soft on me Rilke.” Toni teased, trying to stir the conversation away from herself. It worked a bit as it got Leah to smile. Toni tugged the collar of her hoodie up, hopefully succeeding in covering one of the bruises on her neck. Linda had gotten mad at her the previous day after she had accidentally broken a glass cup and had pushed her into the wall by her neck. Toni had immediately gone outside to smoke after.

Thankfully, Leah let it go and turned on the radio for the rest of the ride. Leah and Toni were known for loving angst-filled music/books, which they were often teased about in their friend group. They spent the rest of the ride to school listening to Frank Ocean and Paramore, laughing like maniacs when they would occasionally stumble over their words.

* * *

Toni sighed when they pulled up to the parking lot of Fort Travis High. It was shitty being out as gay in a homophobic town like Fort Travis. Texas wasn’t exactly Lgbtq+ friendly. Toni was glad that she didn’t let herself be pushed around, considering people loved to give her shit for being gay. Mainly the Christian Youth club. They were all bible thumping freaks. Andrew Baker was one of the leaders of the group and he and his friends ironically love making Toni’s life a living hell. Toni gets into fights more often because of him. It didn’t help that his girlfriend and the other leader of the group, Shelby Goodkind, lets him get away with it every time. The thought of the tall blonde makes her frown. Especially when she sees her across the parking lot, standing by Andrew’s blue truck, tucked under Andrew’s arm as she laughs with her friends.

Toni wants to curl into herself as she watches her. Shelby is wearing a light blue blouse and a pink skirt with light pink converse. Her blonde hair is straightened and she has a white headband on. Her pearly white smile is wide as she laughs at something Andrew says. Toni sighs loudly, biting her lip.

“So are we just gonna sit here and stare at Goodkind all day?” Leah’s teasing voice pulls her out of her distracted state, making Toni flinch in panic. 

“W-what? I wasn’t staring at her.” Toni stuttered, caught off guard as she had forgotten where she was. She looked over to find that Leah was trying to hold in her laugh.

“Am I just supposed to pretend like you weren’t just looking longingly at Shelby over there?” She teased, poking Toni’s shoulder.

“Oh fuck off. No, I was not.” Toni spluttered. Despite her denial, Toni could feel her ears burn. She rushed out of the car, ignoring Leah’s laughter as she grabbed her stuff from the back seat.

“Okaaay… Guess Shelby hanging with Andrew doesn’t bother you.” Leah said, clearly sarcastic as she stepped out of the car as well. 

“Yeah, no shit. I hate both of them.” Toni growled out, feeling angry at being vulnerable. 

“Alright Shalifoe, let’s get to class.” Leah said cautiously, noticing Toni’s rising anger as she pulled her backpack on and locked the car. Leah gently grasped Toni’s elbow, pulling her towards the entrance of the High School. 

Toni let out a breath, trying to calm herself down. Her anger got the best of her most of the time but she was working on it. Thankfully, she felt herself relaxing as Leah drew circles with her thumb on her arm. Toni couldn’t help but look back over to where Shelby was and surprisingly, Shelby’s gaze was already on her. They met eye contact for a couple of seconds before Shelby pulled her gaze away. Toni was left confused as she followed Leah.

* * *

Unfortunately, Toni didn’t have the first period with Leah so she was left to sit in the back of the class for AP Physics. She distracted herself by doodling on the desk, hunching over the table as the class started. A couple of minutes passed and she heard the class door open but ignored it.

“Ms. Goodkind, you’re late. Please sit next to Ms. Shalifoe.” The teacher said, making Toni’s head whip up at her name in panic.

Shelby walked over to Toni’s desk looking nervous. Toni moved her backpack to her side of the desk, making space for her. Shelby sat down on the stool, putting her bag behind her. Toni fiddled with her pencil, not knowing what to say.

“Hi, I’m Shelby Goodkind.” She said cheerfully. For some reason, it annoyed Toni as she rolled her eyes.

“I know who you are. Your boyfriend and his friends are dicks. I’m Toni. Not that you don’t already know that since your crowd loves picking fights with me.” Toni said with a sneer. She didn’t know why Shelby bugged her so much. Maybe it was that Shelby still had a small smile or maybe it was because she wanted Shelby to stand up for her. 

“If anybody picks fights, it’s you. You oughta learn not to pick fights with boys twice your size.” She smirked. It angered Toni that not only was Shelby defending her boyfriend but she was also insulting her.

“All I do is kick your little boyfriend’s ass. It’s not like I’m the one who gets their buddies to join in a fight with me. Looks like he needs the help.” Toni said with a smirk, knowing she made a good point. 

Toni could see Shelby clenching her jaw in anger. She wondered how long it would be until she could make her snap.

“Well, it’s not Andrew’s fault that you antagonized him with your little… actions. It’s not my fault he wants to fight you for it.” She had hesitated a bit with her words as if knowing what she was saying was gonna get her a bloodied nose.

Turns out, it was Toni who first snapped as she swiped Shelby’s books off the desk in anger and got in her face.

“How the fuck is being with my girlfriend antagonizing him?! We were across the parking lot. He had no business even touching us!” Toni yelled in frustration and anguish from just thinking about what happened. Shelby had gone wide-eyed from her outburst, looking up Toni, who was now standing.

“Ms. Shalifoe! Do you want detention today as well or are you going to calm down?” The teacher scolded. He seemed to like punishing Toni.

Shelby at least had the decency to look guilty as she looked down, biting her lip. Toni was breathing hard. She had forgotten that they were in the middle of class. The whole class was now staring at her, probably expecting her to punch Shelby any minute now.

“No, sorry.” Toni mumbled, slumping back into her seat. Linda would kill her if she got a call again. 

As he resumed teaching, Toni faced away from Shelby, too angry and sad to look at her. She slumped into her crossed arms on the desk, thinking about what happened a few months ago.

_It had been a gloomy night and she was with her girlfriend Regan exiting the movie theater. Toni had used her latest check to pay for the movie and snacks. She was giving Regan a piggyback ride as she had done many times before. They were bickering and laughing about Toni smelling like Regan’s dad’s shampoo as they crossed the parking lot together. She had been staying at Regan’s house for a while, glad that she wasn’t bothering the Blackburns. It wasn’t until they got the whiff of alcohol and heard catcalling that things got serious._

_“We’re partying over here if you wanna join.” It wasn’t spoken like a question._

_Toni immediately let Regan down onto her feet, stuffing her hands into her mom’s jacket pockets to stop herself from reaching over to hold Regan’s hand in comfort. They started walking quickly towards Regan’s car._

_“Hey, what’s the rush?” One of the guys said with a smile as they stepped away from their truck._

_Toni recognized him as Andrew Baker from school. She didn’t do anything about it because Regan didn’t like it when she would put herself in fights._

_“Just keep going, they’re not worth it.” Regan said with a shaky voice as she tried to unlock her car._

_“He’s walking over.” Toni muttered in panic as Andrew started walking over. She didn’t want to deal with drunk and horny dudes._

_“It’s not like I’m not trying.” Regan argued. Toni could see the fear in the eyes from across the car._

_“You need a little help there?” Andrew said with a smarmy smile as he stepped up beside Regan._

_“I’m good.” Regan muttered, not looking at him as he stepped even closer to her._

_“Get the fuck away from her.” Toni rasped out angrily as she rounded the car to step in between them._

_“Just leave us alone.” Regan muttered, knowing Toni could swing any second._

_“What’s going on over here?” One of Andrew’s friends laughed as he and his buddy walked up to them. Toni could feel her adrenaline and anger go up as she realized the clear danger of the situation._

_“I said get the fuck away from her. I fucking mean it.” Toni said, not backing down as she got in Andrew’s face._

_“Toni…” Regan said to her quietly. Toni ignored her, knowing that she had to protect her if she needed to. Andrew started to grin as he reached towards Regan again._

_“Just feeling sociable you know… Just tryna make a new friend… You can get in on it.” He finished with a suggestive grin._

_“Get the fuck off!” Toni growled as she pushed him back roughly, making him stumble towards his friends._

_“Whatever, fucking dyke.” He put his tongue between his two fingers, getting in her face before turning to walk away with his friends._

_Toni’s heart was pounding as she breathed hard, watching him walk away. She could feel the familiar anger rising as she clenched her fists. She knew that she couldn’t stop it. All she could see was red. How dare he?_

_“Toni… Toni, it’s fine. Just leave them. They’re not worth it. Toni stop!” Regan yelled as Toni charged after Andrew._

_“I’m gonna kick your ass!” She growled in anger as she pulled him down into a headlock. She was gonna kill him._

_Toni slammed her knee up into his nose, hoping that she busted it. He yelped in pain, making her smirk. What she didn’t expect was for him to swing up at her, catching her right on the mouth. She didn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing her in pain as she threw a punch with the one arm that wasn’t keeping him in a headlock. She struggled to keep her hold on him as she felt his friends grab both her arms, yanking her away._

_“You fucking bitch.” Andrew said angrily as he wiped the blood from his nose. She could feel her lip bleeding as she tried to pull away from his friends’ tight grips. The breath was knocked out of her as Andrew threw two hard punches, one at her stomach and another across her cheek, snapping her head to the side. Toni felt fear grip her throat, feeling trapped like her previous foster homes as she freaked, thrashing about._

_“Get the fuck off me!” She yelled in anger and panic, managing to take one of her arms out of their grip. She heard a yelp of pain behind her as she blindly swung her arm back. The guys dropped their hold on her, running away and getting into their truck, swearing and laughing. Toni stumbled to the floor before turning around. Her heart dropped when she saw that she had accidentally hit Regan when she tried to break them apart._

_“Regan… Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Toni said in a panic as she saw blood on Regan’s lip. She did that. She had hurt her._

_Toni sat with Regan on the trunk of the car, wrapping her arm around her. Her heart was racing, ignoring the pain from her own injuries as she focused on her girlfriend who she had hurt._

_“What are you thinking right now?” Toni rasped out as she stood, shoving her clenched hands in her jacket pockets._

_“I just don’t know why you couldn’t just let them walk away?” Regan said exasperatedly. Toni sucked in her bottom lip, trying not to cry as she looked down at her feet._

_“I’m gonna fucking kill them.” Toni said angrily, looking around the parking lot. She needed to focus her anger on something. They had done this._

_“Toni they’re gone. Can’t we just let it be over?” She didn’t know if Regan meant what Toni thought she meant as she whipped her head around to look down at her in fear._

_Toni didn’t know what to do but apologize as she watched her girlfriend wipe blood away from her lip. She moved towards the passenger door, feeling shame crawl up her throat as Regan moved to open the car and got in quietly._

_The car ride home was quiet. Toni noticed how Regan was driving her back to her foster home. Fuck. She thought as they pulled up next to the grassy front yard and Regan didn’t look at her. Toni could hear their song, “Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye” playing faintly on the radio. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she wrung her hands together. How fucking fitting._

_“Like is this a break or I-?” She rasped out, fearing the answer as she turned to Regan who was still looking forward._

_“I don’t know.” Regan looked at Toni for a second before looking away, shaking her head._

_“I don’t fucking get it.” Toni said, her voice sounding thick with tears. She felt familiar feelings rise. She was gonna be abandoned again._

_“My mom says that you’re like birch bark… One little match and you catch fire just like that. It’s what I love most about you… but it’s also the thing I don’t really know how to handle.” Regan said softly, looking at Toni before trailing off, looking forward again._

_Toni felt her heart break, knowing that it was over even if Regan didn’t speak the words. She sucked in her bottom lip, holding in a sob as she sniffled. She gazed longingly at Regan, knowing this was the last time she’d get to look at her this close. She understood why Regan did it. It just hurt. She bit her tongue as she looked away, already feeling tears slide down her face. She grabbed her backpack and opened the car door to leave._

_Toni could still hear their song playing as she trudged to the back of the car, crouching down as she cried into her arms. She was angry but overall heartbroken that someone had left her again. She had fucked up everything and hurt somebody that she was supposed to protect. She was just like every foster parent that she's ever been with. Toni understood why Regan left her, but the pain from her injuries and the anger from being abandoned once again was rising quickly. All she could see was red and tears as she lashed out, not thinking as she swung her backpack at the back of Regan’s window, causing a huge crash and a bunch of spiderweb cracks. It looked just like her heart felt, she thought as she ran away in tears and pain._

Toni was startled as she was brought back to reality by the bell. Did she really spend the whole class time thinking? She sat up, sniffling and hoping Shelby hadn’t seen her crying. One look at Shelby and she saw that she was already staring at her. She almost looked concerned? 

“Toni-” She didn’t let Shelby finish, quickly grabbing her stuff and rushing out of the class. She wasn’t about to be vulnerable with someone who defended someone that was focused on ruining her life.

Toni wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie as she made her way down the halls in search of her locker. She thought about the incident and wondered how Regan was doing. Regan had chosen to ignore her since then. If it wasn’t for Regan calling Martha after Toni broke her window to check on her, she’d think Regan didn’t care about her. Toni remembers how Martha had found her at her truck bed high and sad as fuck. She went back and forth between staying at the Blackburns and her foster home. Regan probably hated Toni now. Most of the school found out about it after Andrew had come to school with a fucked up nose and lip. Once they saw Toni’s busted lip and bruised cheek, their suspicions were confirmed. Of course, Andrew didn’t tell Shelby how he was trying to sexually harass Toni and Regan. Toni glowered as she thought about Shelby believing his lies.

Toni finally made it to her locker and shoved her duffle bag in it, taking out a few notebooks and stuffing them in her backpack. She was so focused and frustrated, that she didn’t hear someone come up beside her locker.

“What did Fatin do to piss you off now?” A soft voice joked. Toni jumped, seeing Martha in a pink top and blue jeans with her converse. 

“Hey Marty B… Nothing yet. It’s more like Goodkind did something.” Toni frowned, shutting her locker and starting to walk to her next class, Martha trailing beside her since they shared Biology.

“Oh come on. Shelby’s not that bad. She helped me with homework once and she was really nice. We might hang out again soon. You should join.” Martha said suggestively. There’s no way Martha is thinking the same as Leah, right?

“Oh fuck no. There’s no way I’m hanging out with that spoiled princess willingly.” Toni scowled, becoming defensive. 

“You’ll come around someday, I know it.” Martha said confidently.

“Yeah, when hell freezes over.” Toni scowled, maybe too harshly.

“Is everything okay? You haven’t been the same since Regan. You never told me what happened and she avoids me every time.” Martha said, sounding concerned. 

Toni tensed at the question, clenching her fists in her pockets. She never told Martha because she would’ve asked too many questions. Toni didn’t want her pity. She needed to stop worrying Martha.

“I’m okay, and it wasn’t a big deal.” Toni mumbled, shrugging.

“Really? When I found you at the trailer park you were high and hurt.” Martha muttered, biting her lip. 

“Yeah, well I got in a fight. I needed to take my mind off the pain somehow.” Toni didn’t mention how the pain was both mental and physical.

“I’m always here for you, you know? You’re my person Toni.” Martha said softly. Toni teared up. She was so lucky to have her.

“Same here Marty.” Toni wasn’t good with emotions or words. She spent too many nights being punished for being vulnerable so she shut it down completely. Luckily Martha knew her and gave her a big smile, reaching over to hold her hand as they finally made it to class. Toni spent the class doodling on the desk and sending notes to Martha while the latter rolled her eyes and laughed at Toni.

* * *

Toni walked across the quad with her lunch tray as she made her way towards her group of friends that sat at their usual table under a tree. Dot, Leah, and Martha were already there, digging into their food. 

“Hey guys.” Toni muttered, slouching into her seat next to Martha. 

“What’s with the frown Shalifoe?” Dot asked, munching on her fries.

“Nothing just had a run-in with Shelby.” Toni mumbled, picking at her food.

Toni had met Dot Campbell through Leah two years ago when she brought her to her table. She quickly became protective of the girl in cargo pants when she learned about her sick dad. Now they get high together when Dot has new drugs that Fatin pays for. It was the same with Fatin, who she also met through Leah after Toni noticed how Leah looked at Fatin Jadmani from across the quad. That was a month after she had met Dot. They had become close when one of Fatin’s exes had tried to grope her at a party and Toni had gotten in between and punched him. Toni hangs out with Fatin at the mall when her parents argue too much. She felt a hand come down on her shoulder making her flinch a little. Speaking of the devil.

“Hey losers, what’s this I hear about the Virgin Mary herself?” Fatin quipped as she slid into the seat next to Leah, who smiled shyly at her when Fatin stole a fry from her tray. Toni laughed at the joke, getting an elbow to the rib by Martha.

“Toni’s talking about how she had a run-in with Goodkind.” Dot said with a knowing smile.

“What happened anyway? You haven’t told me.” Leah said curiously. 

“What’s happening people?” A cocky voice interrupted. Rachel slid in next to Toni while Nora sat next to Dot.

Toni had met the Reid twins a year ago through Dot and had quickly become protective of them when someone teased Nora about her speech and she had learned about Rachel’s struggle with eating and diving. Toni would sit and read with Nora and play hoops with Rachel to comfort them. She would comfort any of her girls without hesitation but when it was her that needed comfort, she liked to stick to getting high. You’d think that because of her mom, she would stay away from drugs but she had no other way to get rid of the constant pain.

“Talking about how I had to deal with Shelby in Physics. All she could talk about was defending Andrew when he’s clearly in the wrong!” Toni scowled, getting angry as she stuffed fries in her mouth. The girls looked at her amused.

“You’re awfully irritated with her… ” Dot mumbled, sipping her orange juice.

“Because she’s so annoying! Her and her stupid perfect face! Plus she acts like she has a stick up her ass.”

“Yeah.. definitely not obsessed Toni… ” Rachel muttered with a smirk. Toni turned to glare at her.

“Fuck off, I’m not obsessed. I just don’t like her.” Toni scowled, not realizing that she had almost finished her food in frustration. She looked over Dot’s shoulder, noticing Shelby sitting with one of her friends, Becca Gilroy. They were laughing as they ate their food. She saw Andrew walk over to them, throwing an arm around Shelby’s shoulder. Toni looked away, sipping her juice.

“Oh my sweet precious Toni, when will you just admit that you’re in love with her?” Fatin sighed dramatically. The girls giggled as Toni choked on her juice, falling into a coughing fit. Martha patted her back as she caught her breath.

“What the fuck? I-I’m not… feeling that way.” Toni rasped out, feeling her ears burn despite herself. 

“You do stare at her a lot… ” Nora mumbled from beside Dot. Toni’s head whipped to her.

“I people-watch all the time!” Toni defended herself.

“And you do talk about her a lot… ” Martha trailed off hesitantly. Toni felt like she was being ganged up on. It made her feel vulnerable as she caught Shelby’s eyes on her. She could feel anger stir in her stomach and she knew she needed to get away.

“Fuck, I’m not! Just leave me alone!” Toni yelled, standing up and grabbing her backpack as she pushed away from the table. Her friends gawked up at her. She ignored Shelby’s eyes and stormed towards the entrance of the school, feeling like she needed to scream. 

Toni threw her backpack down as soon as she burst into the locker room. She was able to hold in her scream but couldn’t stop her fist from flying into one of the lockers. Hopefully, it was hers because the coach would kill her. She slouched onto a bench, head in her hands as she gripped her hair enough to hurt. She didn’t know why she always had to snap. Why was she so angry all the time? Was her life not already fucked up? All Toni did was ruin good things in her life. First was Regan and any day now, it’s gonna be her friends. They’ll abandon her soon. Toni felt tears spring to her eyes at the thought.

“Toni?” A soft voice said. Toni jumped, wiping her eyes as she turned to face a concerned-looking Shelby.

“W-what do you want?” Toni stuttered, caught off guard. What the hell was Shelby doing here?

“U-uh I was walking by and heard a noise. I thought I should check it out. Is everything alright?” Shelby hesitantly asked. Toni didn’t mention how she saw Shelby with her friends so there’s no reason why she would be walking by the locker room. 

“It’s not your problem. Just leave me alone.” Toni tried to say harshly but it came out weak. She looked down when Shelby came to sit next to her.

“You’re obviously upset, Toni. What’s wrong?” Shelby pushed.

“Why do you care? You’re homophobic. You literally think I should be in hell. You and your whole bible thumping club.” Toni scowled, thinking of the weird looks Toni and Regan would get whenever they held hands or kissed. 

“N-no I’m not. I don’t hate you, Toni.” Shelby stuttered, getting red.

“Yes, you do. I saw the way you flinched when things got a little gay for you. I’m sorry but that’s hate. The least you could do is own it.” Toni said angrily. She was mad at Shelby for hating her. She was mad that she cared what Shelby thought of her. 

“I-” Shelby started but cut herself off. Toni didn’t realize how close they were. Toni looked down at her soft-looking lips, thinking what if she just leaned in a bit more and-

“Uh, Shelby?” A voice cut Toni’s thoughts off. Shelby jumped so far away that she hit the lockers. Toni looked and saw that it was a friend of Shelby and Andrew, one of the popular girls. 

“Oh hey!” Shelby’s voice went high-pitched as she turned red. Turns out she’s a bad liar.

“What are you doing with her?” The girl might as well have spat at Toni’s feet by the way she was looking at her in disgust.

“She cornered me. Talked about sinful things. I was just about to call Andrew.” Shelby said quickly, looking panicked. Toni felt her heart drop.

“Seems pretty on-brand. Let’s go before she tries anything.” The girl looked at Toni in disgust, gesturing for Shelby to come over to her. 

Toni could only clench her fists tightly, not knowing what to say as she watched Shelby leave with the girl without a single glance back. This time Toni couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over as she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling dirty and stupid. Stupid for thinking of Shelby in that way. Stupid for thinking Shelby could be anything other than straight and homophobic. Toni didn’t know why it felt like her heart was just stomped on. Shelby hated her. She thinks Toni is a predator and disgusting. That’s all Shelby will ever think of Toni as. Toni didn’t know why she wasn’t acting out in anger this time. Why was she so sad? Before Toni could think more, she dug through her bag and reached for where she keeps her joints. If anything could stop this pain for a moment, it was this. With that thought, she stuffed it in her hoodie pocket and burst out of the locker rooms, heading straight for the school’s exit. Her head was empty as she leaned against the brick wall at the back of the school, lighting the joint between her lips and inhaling.

_And now through and through, I've come undone_

_And now I am just but the wayward man_

_What with my bloodshot eyes and my shaky hand_

**Author's Note:**

> How was that? I literally stayed up three nights so don't think that a 6k chapter is normal lmao. Please let me know in the comments what you thought. I love ideas too. Feel free to send criticism. Leave kudos if you want? Let me know if I should continue.


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